More on confidence. There’s a code.

Nearly every client I work with yearns to feel more confident. Struggling with confidence has also been a constant in my life and therefore I’m getting curious about confidence.

Last week I posted some reflective questions to examine your relationship with confidence. In reflecting on these questions myself, I discovered that I have lost touch with my sense of curiosity, playfulness, and self-acceptance after an adult-lifetime of trying to perform, achieve and please others. These are things I’m committing to work on.

Another interesting resource on confidence is The Confidence Code, by Kitty Kay and Claire Shipman who bring together the research on confidence into one useful manual. Here are some key take-aways on the nature of confidence and why it matters.

💭 Confidence matters, often more so than competence, on a variety of metrics including respect, prominence and influence. In the workplace, confidence translates into promotions and other traditional metrics of success

💭 The authors define confidence as “fuel for action”. Confidence fuels action but action also fuels confidence

💭 Research suggests that the correlation between genetics and confidence is between 25 and 50%

💭 Nurture matters and some people may be more influenced by their environments than others

💭 All of us can rewire our brains by changing our thinking and developing new mental habits 

💭 Confidence killers: ruminating, perfectionism, people pleasing, external attribution of success/internal attribution of failure

The book also goes into great detail on the gender differences in confidence, which is fascinating, but which I have excluded from the summary.

So what about the question we all want answered: how do we build confidence?

How to Build Confidence? Through action

⭐ Take risks and fail. Get out of your comfort zone, experience setbacks and pick yourself back up. A growth mindset helps with this 

⭐ Work towards goals aligned with your own values and needs, rather than those determined by society

⭐ Break negative thinking. What we think directly affects how we feel

 - Instead of ruminating, write down a list of achievements, successes, and personal acknowledgements

 - Kill negative automatic thoughts. Notice them and then look for an alternative point of view, perhaps by imagining what you would tell a friend who had the same negative thought

 - Learn to accept compliments, and own your accomplishments 

⭐ Act, act, and act some more

 - Focus. The simple act of focusing, on almost anything, means you are more likely to take action in that direction

 - Think small: battle feelings of being overwhelmed by breaking it down

 - Stay authentic. Don’t fake it till you make it. Don’t pretend to be anything or anyone. Act your way

⭐ Be holistic

 - Meditate

 - Be grateful

 - Sleep, move your body, connect socially

 - Try power posing