“Fake it ‘till you make it” not working? Try “Feel it ‘till you make it”.

“Fake it ‘till you make it”. How many times have you heard these words? And what do they mean to you? To me, they mean feigning confidence and competence until you have them. It’s all about pretending.

Let’s do a show of hands. Who does this work for? Thumbs up or thumbs down in the comments depending on your view.

You might have guessed it but, fake it ‘till you make it never worked for me. As someone who suffered from imposter syndrome, this statement seemed to exacerbate my feelings. The existence of the statement itself seemed to confirm my suspicion that I was an imposter, that I was fooling everyone, that I didn’t truly belong, that I was on the verge of being “found out”. After all, I wouldn’t have to fake anything if I already had it!

I had an epiphany while reading The Confidence Code by Claire Shipman and Katty Kay (more on that in another post). They cited a study by Wood, Perunovic and Lee (2009) that concluded that people with low self-esteem who repeated a positive self-statement or who focused on how that statement was true, felt worse than those who did not repeat the statement or who wrote down their actual feelings. Pretending didn’t work for them. People with high self-esteem who repeated the positive self-statement or focused on how it was true felt better than those who did not, but only marginally so. Pretending kind of worked for them. 

While self-affirmations and “fake it ‘till you make it” aren’t exactly the same thing, this study provides interesting insight – ignoring or suppressing negative feelings doesn’t necessarily work. For people with very high self-esteem, it might, to a limited extent. But for those with lower self-esteem, those who may need to fake it till they make it, or use positive self-affirmations in the first place, it can be detrimental. 

So what can they do instead? As suggested by Wood et. al, acknowledging your actual feelings, or using a positive affirmation and thinking about how it is both true and false, creates a better result. So I suggest the next time you’re feeling reticent about a big meeting, a promotion, a difficult conversation, presenting to a large audience, check in with how you feel. Acknowledge the reticence. Give it some space. Write down your worries and fears. Spend some time thinking about how your fears are both valid and invalid. Confide in someone. Ask for help. Admit you’re nervous! Acknowledge those not so fuzzy feelings. 

After that, be sure you to spend plenty of time acknowledging all the positive things too. Perhaps from this real place, this place without pretending, you can find the courage to do something uncomfortable. 

So I say, don’t fake it ‘till you make it but rather, feel it ‘till you make it.